John Edwards Discovers Honesty

CHAPTER ONE

John Edwards hasn't given up politics. On the contrary, Edwards sees more opportunity than before. Both major party candidates seem unimpressive. Neither candidate has his gleaming smile-- well-perfected during hundreds of hours in front of mirrors, proven in countless courtrooms when John Edwards was an attorney, and, occasionally, a defendant.

What's the solution?

The solution is to start a third political party. He has it! Hucksters are never short of ideas. "The Honesty Party," John Edwards tells his remaining supporters-- his daughter and his dog. "After all," he proclaims. "Who in politics is more honest and sincere than myself?"

The most troubling thing about this statement is that it might be correct.

Cities compete against one another to not hold the John Edwards Campaign Announcement. Finally, the city of Buffalo, New York-- consumed with a civic inferiority complex (those four Superbowl losses)-- agrees to allow the event. The kick-off speech is held in an outdoor park.

"My friends!" John Edwards announces to the audience, which consists of half-a-dozen retirees, several sleeping homeless people, his daughter, his always-cluelessly-loyal dog, and a sports reporter from a local community college with nothing else on his agenda this afternoon. "We are going to wake up America! With honesty!"

One of the homeless guys stirs, then resumes snoring, head flopping around on the park bench that supports him. Edwards grins. The underdogs at least haven't abandoned him. He feels, after his many trials, like an underdog again himself.

Encouraged, John Edwards gives a fiery speech. Let's see the other two bozos top that! They're stiffs compared to him. The John Edwards smile fills the park.

"I'm the most honest person I know!" Edwards concludes, crying profusely, a large banner behind him with the word "HONESTY" on it providing a fantastic photo op.

Afterward a teary-eyed John Edwards hugs the sole reporter, then slips away before a question can be asked. As the reporter leaves the park he realizes he's missing his wallet.