The Veep Games Begin

CHAPTER NINE

“What idiot came up with this idea?” Romney’s top campaign advisor exclaims as he observes the spectacle in front of him. “Not the Veep Olympics themselves, but THIS!”

The veep candidates are at Coney Island New York for the first competition—a hot dog eating contest.

“Boss, we’re capitalizing on the buzz the real eating contest gets every year. Usually front page of the New York Post.”

To the side watching with a gleam in his eye is the mastermind behind the Veep Games, Dick Cheney. He’s relaxing in a rocket-powered wheelchair that can scoot him back and forth across the area in seconds. He considers himself a political superhero. No one disagrees with him.

At the center of the crowd, a long table is being filled with stacks of freshly grilled hot dogs. The prohibitive favorite, Chris Christie, stretches his arms confidently above his head. He wears a long sleeve white shirt which before the day is over will be stained with mustard and ketchup. Other contestants like Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio gulp at the prospect before them. Ignored behind them is the establishment choice, Tim Pawlenty. The Romney campaign gave him a name tag to wear so people would know who he is. He looks at it now. His name is misspelled on the name tag as “Palenti.”

A network anchor asks second choice Paul Ryan a question. The question isn’t finished by the slow-thinking square-jawed NBC anchor before Paul Ryan responds to it with a stream of words.

“Of course this competition is unnecessarily expensive I’ve calculated the length of the table and the cost of dogs and buns including a third an ounce of mustard and ketchup each on every dog allowing for weight dissipation during grilling determining the Republican Committee campaign funds might be better spent on something like, I don’t know, advertisements for the Romney campaign on television I know this is free airtime you’re giving us Brian but to be honest you’ll admit it yourself that your posture toward the Romney campaign including this spectacular show is proportionally biased—“ Brian Williams opens his impressive anchor jaw to respond but he’s not quick enough; Paul Ryan with clenched teeth eager to get to the table and have at it, considering Williams on the level of low-grade imbecile compared to himself, with nary a breath, continues speaking-- “given the rules of the road what we’re up against the governor of New Jersey clearly the favorite I mean look at him I consider my percentages fairly good assuming the governor is undisciplined and won’t be able to maintain a consistent pace that’s my objective assessment why I’m here the campaign no the nation very badly needs me to win this thing—“ Brian Williams signals to those in the production truck nearby to cut to commercial, the interview may go on for some time.

Watching the interview from nearby, Dick Cheney is smiling.

Then all the veep candidates stand at the long table in front of trays of hot dogs and a bell sounds: “They’re off!”

Buns, hot dogs, ketchup, mustard flying everywhere a riotous but happy scene Tea Partiers are screaming button-down establishment types frowning. Christie takes a quick lead by eating several hot dogs at once, then decides there’s not enough flavor to the hot dogs to suit his taste, pausing to slap relish on his tray of dogs as well. He tries one in a single gulp. His expression says, “That’s better.” Then he spreads his arm wide to push Rubio farther away from him—the governor needs his space. The crowd heckles Christie, who responds in Christie fashion. “You don’t know what you don’t know so butt out and let me do my job saving the Republic, sucker,” Chris Christie yells, obviously enjoying himself. Er, “relishing” this contest.

Paul Ryan like a determined focused attack dog methodically works through his tray of dogs like a buzzsaw.

The bell sounds again. The competition is over.

Chris Christie smiles confidently, his arrogant smirk akin to that of a wrestling star bad guy. All that’s lacking is a cape. His once clean white shirt is proudly smudged with red and yellow, with a few green spots from relish thrown in. Next time he’ll ask for chili on the hot dogs also.

The score cards are carefully added. Judges discuss the results. The cards are given to an announcer.

“We have a winner!”

Paul Ryan has edged out Governor Christie. The final tally is 60 hot dogs exactly for Ryan. He’d not missed a crumb. Ryan’s white shirt is spotless. For Christie, the tally of hot dogs consumed is 59-and-a-half.

Christie is combative. “I’ve been robbed!”

The winner, Paul Ryan, steps toward Brian Williams to be interviewed again. The anchorman backs away in fear and terror. He’s a Christie guy.

The establishment choice, Tim Pawlenty, has finished last.